“Be Yourself.  Everyone else is taken.”

This quote, often attributed to Oscar Wilde, is one that is familiar to many people. Good advice? Probably. But what does it mean, to be yourself?

Or perhaps we should begin by asking, why is this advice given? Why is it necessary? How can a person be anything but themselves?

My guess is that this advice is most often given to a person facing a situation where they are keen to impress and are not quite sure how to achieve it. ‘Just be yourself’ is often offered to someone going for a job interview, a performance appraisal or a first date. It’s when we feel open to the judgement of others that we are most likely to judge ourselves and to be cautious in how we present ourselves.

In addition, if there’s something at stake, a new job, a pay rise or a new relationship, that caution can increase. Most people are familiar with that creeping self-doubt in certain situations.

Should I say what I really think? Will they laugh at me? Will they despise me? Will they think I’m wrong/stupid/arrogant? In those moments there is always the temptation to say what you think the other person wants you to say.

Which can get you into trouble just as surely as expressing your real opinion can.

If you say what someone wants to hear in a job interview, you can end up working for an organisation that has values and culture that don’t fit well with your own. That’s a recipe for stress – trust me, I’ve done it!

If you say what someone wants to hear in a social situation, you can end up with ongoing embarrassment and awkwardness. “How lovely, my favourites!” you say when given a box of chocolates by a new neighbour, your partner’s mum or a dinner guest. Even though they’re a type of chocolate you don’t like and you never buy. Three years later that same variety of chocolates is your gift every birthday – “I know they’re your favourite” says the happy gift-giver as you mumble thanks, knowing it’s your own fault and feeling helpless to correct the lie. (Or is that just me?)

Would it have helped, to just ‘be yourself?’

Of course, there is another type of ‘not being yourself’. That’s when you feel unsure about the acceptability of your views or plan of action and decline to express a point of view at all.

I’m fairly sure that was what cost me a place at Cambridge University. The interview was going well until I was asked why I had chosen that subject. I knew why I’d chosen it, but I was worried that if I told the truth they’d laugh at me (I was only 16 years old!). I thought there had to be a better reason but I couldn’t think what it would be, so I said I didn’t know.

Had I had the confidence to share what was motivating me, I think the interviewers might have been convinced that I’d stick at it. Without that, they weren’t going to take a chance on me. That’s what I think now, many years later.

Where does that get us?

There is potentially a cost associated with ‘being yourself’ and an equivalent cost associated with NOT ‘being yourself’.

The potential cost of being yourself is that others may judge you negatively. They may be offended by your views or they may laugh at you.

The potential cost of not ‘being yourself’ is that you give a false impression of who you are and miss out on opportunities that you would value or people whose company you would enjoy.

Let’s return to that question – what does it mean to ‘be yourself’?

I think that being yourself means living your life and interacting with others in a way that fulfils your personal values. If it matters to you not to hurt someone else’s feelings, then sometimes that might include falling back on social conventions and keeping your thoughts to yourself.

I think being yourself is easy when you spend time in situations and with other people who support your opinions and values. If you feel out of step with other people around you it can be stressful and uncomfortable. Being yourself might mean acknowledging that and removing yourself from the situation – whether it’s a job in a company with a toxic culture or a social group that’s caught up in an activity you dislike.

I think being yourself is also about not apologising for your choices and for what matters to you. There might be a moment of awkwardness when you tell someone that you don’t share their passion for snowboarding/Chekov/fine dining/the Rolling Stones, but it will pass. And if that other person doesn’t respect your point of view, maybe they’re not someone you want to spend much time with anyway.

In my view, being yourself isn’t something you can turn on and off. It’s a process of self-awareness, self-acceptance and developing the skills to express yourself in alignment with your personal values.

What do you think?