It’s often been said that British people are obsessed with the weather. It’s true that we do talk about the weather a lot, and it’s usually the easiest way to make ‘small talk’ with a British resident.

Regardless of whether the weather is fine, warm, hot, cold, wet, grey, icy or ‘changeable’ there will always be people who are less than pleased with the conditions.

And in some cases, they complain about it – at length.

Are you one of them?

Do you use the weather as an excuse to put off certain tasks or activities? I do! I often decide not to take my morning walk on the grounds that it’s raining, cold or windy.

And sometimes I put off my usual activities because the sun’s shining and I want to take advantage of it.

What would it be like if we could choose our own weather and take it with us wherever we go? What would you choose? Hot and sunny, bright and breezy or cool and damp? Snowing, raining?

When I stop to think about it, I wouldn’t really want hot, sunny weather every day. I’m British after all, and the element of surprise in the weather is what I’m used to.

Here’s the thing…

When we can’t predict exactly what’s going to happen, we appreciate it more when we get what we want. In Psychology that‘s known as the principle of Random Reward. The unpredictability makes the result more motivating.

So, today, notice where else in your life, your experiences are unpredictable. Notice how much more satisfying it is when you get what you want without being certain it would happen.

It’s just a small step from there to realise that ‘achievable’ goals are dull compared to the goals that stretch you and challenge you and that don’t carry certainty of success. Isn’t it?

What are your development goals for this year? Mine include developing the skill to create the same magic in an online training as I’m used to seeing on site, venturing into the world of podcasts and finding a way to read a few more from that mountain of books I keep adding to…

Assuming that you have some development goals, I’d like to ask you another question: How did you decide on those goals?

Hands up if you assessed your capabilities across the whole range of your responsibilities before setting goals. Or maybe you did that in conjunction with your line manager, coach or mentor.

I think that’s a good start. Have a look at what you’re expected to deliver and gauge how easy it is for you to do that. Identify your skills, strengths and – um… are we allowed to call them ‘weaknesses’? Or do you call them ‘areas for development’?

This is where it gets interesting. If you call those aspects of the work that you’re not so good at ‘areas for development’ you’re almost bound to then set development goals to address those shortcomings, aren’t you? It would seem strange to identify ‘areas for development’ and then set development goals that ignored them.

Now, think about this:  if you have a limited amount of time and money to spend on your development is it better to develop your strengths so that you become truly outstanding in a specific area? Or is it better to spend your limited time and money working at something you have no aptitude for?

Your answer to that question will depend on whether you (or your boss, HR partner or coach) are working towards a vision of you as a specialist or a generalist. Or whether you aspire to a qualification.

Most vocational qualifications require demonstration of competence across the full range of relevant skills. Some allow a degree of specialisation, but not all.

Most corporate appraisal systems assume that the process will identify weaknesses and work on them. In effect, they seek to create an organisation full of generalists. Transferable skills! I hear somebody shout. But what about experts? What about specialists? What about honing your skills to a level of mastery in a small number of areas instead of trying to be equally good at everything?

I can’t help thinking that an enormous amount of time and money is wasted on people attempting to develop skills and capabilities that don’t come naturally and don’t appeal to them as a learner.

And as the Learning and Development profession worldwide prepares to excommunicate me, I’d like to put forward a different philosophy:

What if we encouraged people to develop the skills that come naturally and the activities that they enjoy. What if we encouraged people to do more of what they’re good at instead of wasting their time and effort trying to address their ‘weaknesses’?

What if we also showed everyone how to work in teams so that the team demonstrated the full range of capabilities even though the individuals within the team specialised, or even excelled, in a few areas?

Now, I realise that this is an idealist philosophy. I know that there are times when some of us have to carry out tasks that we don’t find easy or don’t much enjoy. But instead of regarding that as an unalterable state of affairs, why not make the development goal focus on how to delegate that task rather than master it?

At the very least, let’s balance up the development that address weaknesses with some that also build on existing strengths and aim towards mastery. Otherwise, we’re spending our training budgets to foster mediocrity.

Personally, I’d rather see people develop into their own talents instead of focusing on their shortcomings. I’d like to see everyone have the opportunity to shine.

What do you think?  Let me know…

As people in the UK face further weeks in total lockdown and in other countries around the world the picture is not much different, how are you doing?  Is this the ‘new normal’ everyone has been talking about?  Or are you tired of being restricted, restless and unfocused? How is your mental health?

The circumstances of your own lockdown will have a part to play in the way you experience this period of restriction.  The physical environment and the people with whom you share it are significant.  Here are some possibilities:

When you’re in lockdown with your partner or family

It can be a great thing to be in lockdown with your loved ones.  It’s time to be together without the stress of a daily commute.  You may feel you have more time for each other and you are able to tackle some projects at home that have been waiting for their day to come.

As one of my clients expressed it, ‘It’s lovely to discover that the woman I married all those years ago is still the person I want to be with all the time’.  I’m delighted for him!

I’m also aware that not everyone has had such a delightful experience of being locked down with family.  At the other extreme, there are people who have suffered greatly at the hands of an abusive partner.  I hope, for people in such distressing circumstances, this pandemic has been the catalyst to seek the help they need to escape.

For most other people, the experience of being at home with your partner and/or children day after day, is likely to be a mixture of the enjoyable and the irritating without necessarily any coherent pattern as to what is enjoyable or irritating on a given day.

Firstly, there’s the lack of personal space. That can be either physical space or mental space.  If you’re accustomed to a quiet hour on the train or in the car to ‘bookend’ the working day it can be hard to miss out on that time to read the news or listen to your favourite podcast.  You may feel under pressure to do activities ‘as a family’ and spend all your time in togetherness even if you feel in need of some ‘me time’.

Human beings in general separate experiences by a process known as ‘compartmentalisation’.  It enables us to function well in the face of the immediate demands of the situation regardless of what we may be concerned with in other aspects of life.  Hence, you can go to the office and put in a good day’s work even if the bathroom ceiling is falling down and the plumber can’t get to you for another two days.  This is also the reason why you can ‘switch off’ when you go on holiday or enjoy a stroll around the park at lunchtime even though you have a stressful meeting to attend later.  You’re in a different place and different things are required of you. (I know some people don’t compartmentalise as well as others, but it is an innate skill.)

Being in lockdown and working at home denies us the ability to compartmentalise.  There isn’t enough distinction between home life and working life.  It means you can never fully ‘get away’ from anything that’s a source of stress or irritation.  It’s hard to get a different perspective when you can’t detach from your problems by literally going somewhere else.

This may be why you feel restless and anxious to get out of the house.  Daily exercise has been encouraged for a range of reasons and getting out of the house to walk, run, cycle or play your favourite (socially-distanced) sport is very beneficial.  If you’re feeling a bit overcrowded by your family, go out alone.  That may seem obvious, but sometimes it’s hard to see a solution when your whole life is up close.

Another factor in this situation can be a sense of guilt.  One person told me that he felt guilty about being dissatisfied and restless.  He said, ‘I’m safe at home, I have a supportive employer who is enabling me to continue to do my job and I’m surrounded by a loving family.  I should be grateful but I’m angry and resentful instead.  I feel guilty when so many people are much worse off than me and yet I just want to get back in the office.’  Sound familiar?

It’s normal.  No matter how well the circumstances have been adapted to facilitate your life during lockdown, the fact remains that none of us can do exactly what we are used to doing.  It’s normal to feel unhappy about that and sadly, many people will then feel guilty for feeling unhappy.

At an intellectual level we may fully understand and support what’s happening.  The more primitive, gut-level response of anger, frustration or fear is also a normal response to prolonged restriction of our activities and the loss of anticipated pleasures.  Ignoring your feelings will only work for so long.  At some point you have to acknowledge your emotions and tackle the cause, or they’ll just keep on getting more intense.

That, of course, is also true whatever your circumstances…

When you live alone

People who choose to live alone are often those with introverted personality types.  They enjoy the solitude at the end of a busy working day and are content in the peace and quiet.  Many people however, live alone, not out of choice but because they are recently divorced, separated or widowed.  It may have been hard to be alone before the lockdown, but some solace could be found in social gatherings, hobbies and holidays.

Regardless of the reason why you’re alone, the isolation is a problem.  Human beings are social animals and even the most introverted among us needs some contact with other people.  And I do mean literal, physical contact.

Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” In the UK we may be a little reserved about hugging, but even the touch of another human being in a handshake can be an important moment of contact for someone who doesn’t have someone at home to snuggle up with on the sofa.

It’s partly this loss of physical connection that creates the sense of loneliness and isolation.  Chatting to friends by phone or zoom can be fun, but it doesn’t supply the physical warmth that lets us know we belong.

Some people who live alone have compensated for this lack of human interaction by focusing all their energy on their work.  It’s a form of compartmentalising – by putting yourself in a frame of mind that doesn’t normally include hugging, you feel the lack of hugs less.  And while your boss may be pleased with the amount of work you’re getting through, this isn’t healthy long term.  A good boss will probably challenge you on it and encourage you to balance up your work time with other pursuits.

So what’s the solution to this lack of physical contact?  Pets, especially furry ones, are an enormous comfort to those who live alone.  If you don’t or can’t have a pet, try sleeping with an extra pillow to hug or treat yourself to a ‘weighted blanket’.  Don’t underestimate the value of a teddy bear, either!

…I could go on.  In fact I did!

If you’d like to find out more about the effects of lockdown on your mental and emotional wellbeing, click here to get your free copy of ‘Your Mind in Lockdown’.

According to David Kolb’s model of learning, Reflection is an important part of the learning process. By observing and reflecting, then coming up with concepts and ideas, we make sense of our experiences and learn from them.

So how do you and I reflect?

My personal experience is that my best reflection is stimulated by a question. Without a question to focus my thinking, I can ramble off all over the place, considering a wide range of experience and information but without coming to any useful conclusion. To be honest, this is probably best described as ‘day-dreaming’ rather than ‘reflecting’!

So here is an exercise in reflective learning that you can do any time, anywhere. It can apply to a very specific context, or you can relate it to a much larger experience or longer time-frame. The important thing is to fully consider each question. Take your time and really reflect on everything that is relevant.

If you’re not currently in the mood for this kind of thinking, keep it until you’re in the right mood. Reflection goes with the least active periods of your daily rhythms, so don’t fight against your natural patterns. You may find it helpful to write some of this down as you go along.

Here goes…

Firstly, what do you want to reflect on today? As an example, let’s say you’re going to consider the whole of your personal and professional development this year.

What have you experienced?  Reflective learning concentrates on learning from experience, so it’s helpful to take stock of relevant experiences.

In the context of development this year you might consider a number of types of experiences:

• Training programmes you participated in, both live and online
• Coaching you received
• Books you read
• Challenging experiences at work and in your personal life
• Major decisions you made etc

What have you achieved?  For each of the experiences, consider what you achieved through that experience:

• Information learned
• Skills acquired
• Confidence gained
• Self-awareness discoveries
• Attitude shifts
• Relationships built etc

How can you apply those achievements in the future?  Look at your list of achievements and consider how you can make use of that new knowledge, skill, awareness or confidence in other areas of your life.

Now let’s take a different tack:

Reflecting on the same context, what HAVEN’T you experienced, that you would have liked to have done?

It could be specific learning opportunities like a course or a qualification; it might be an experience like presenting to the Board, or securing an interview for promotion. It might simply be some books you didn’t get around to reading or a conversation you wanted to have with a particular person you couldn’t get the time with.

If you had experienced those things, what else would you have learned? Think about why you wanted those particular experiences and how you would have developed as a result.

In other words, what learning have you missed out on?

• Information learned
• Skills acquired
• Confidence gained
• Self-awareness discoveries
• Attitude shifts
• Relationships built etc

From here you can identify the areas of learning that are still relevant and which you still want. Having missed out on them this year, you might make them a priority for next year.

Let’s go one step further…

Reflecting on what you have found out by doing this exercise, what do you now know about yourself in relation to learning and development? Are there particular types of learning experience that are especially meaningful for you? Are there some that are less easy to get benefit from?

How can you use that insight to improve your approach to personal and professional development?

We all love a good quote. Have you ever wondered why that is?

I think that, in my case, some of my favourite quotes are those which, at the time I first encountered them, summed up an important thought or principle that was relevant to my life at the time.

Like poetry, a good quote encompasses economy of words, abundance of meaning and an eloquence or beauty of expression that makes us think, ‘I wish I’d said that’.

So today, I thought I would share a few of my own favourite quotes…

Top of the list, always, is this:

“Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.”  William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

I participated in a school production of Hamlet when I was 17. Being blessed with a good memory, although I didn’t have a speaking part, I ended up word perfect on vast swathes of the play. But this particular line didn’t stick with me until I saw Kenneth Branagh’s epic four-hour production in 1992. It was the same year I first started learning NLP and this line seemed to encapsulate so much.

Next up, from the same year:

“How you are used to being is not necessarily who you are.”  Ian McDermott (NLP Trainer)

Anyone who has trained with Ian McDermott will, at some point, have heard him say this. Usually during an NLP Practitioner training. Some of us used to have sweatshirts with it printed on the front! Why so significant? Early in my journey of self-development, the distinction between what you do and who you are was important. Our habits might appear to define us, but in fact they are not – necessarily – an expression of who we are.

Then, back to the Bard:

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing the attempt.”  William Shakespeare (Measure for Measure)

This is basically just a highbrow way of saying, ‘don’t let your fears and doubts hold you back’, but the phrase has a lovely lyrical quality that rolls off the tongue. When I watch one of Shakespeare’s plays, often a line will jump out at me, and this is one of them. I don’t remember now, which production it was, but the line stuck.

And to prove that I do read writers other than Shakespeare…

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”

George Bernard Shaw

I first came across this not long after I started my own business. It seemed to sum up the attitude of a lot of the clients I had been working with. They were the ‘unreasonable men’ (and women) who had the potential for a major impact in their employer’s organisation. The challenge was always the make sure the impact was constructive!

For a final example, I’m going back to my beloved Shakespeare…

I meet with my team of Associates several times per year for a full day meeting. A few years ago, when we could still meet in person, one of our meetings fell on 23^rd April, which is Shakespeare’s birthday. I couldn’t resist having a Shakespeare-themed team meeting! It began with me producing my bear, Will, from a bag and sitting him at the head of the table. I told the team, “I’ve brought Will because it’s his birthday and he doesn’t get out much”. (I’ll leave it to the people who were present to comment on how they received that.)

As each member of the team gave their updates, I presented them with a ‘goodie bag’ from the RSC gift shop. Mugs, badges and coasters featured heavily.

At the end of the day, when we had thrashed out a strategy for the following three months, I concluded with this quote:

“There is a tide in the affairs or men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune” William Shakespeare (Julius Caesar)

I could go on, but I’d actually prefer to hear your favourite quotes.  Please post a favourite quote and why it is meaningful for you in the ‘comments’ section below.

Using NLP in coaching, I often find that the greatest barriers to a client’s success are in their own head. The term ‘limiting belief’ refers to a belief that limits a person’s perception of their world in a way that blocks important outcomes and possibilities.

For example, if a person believes, ‘I am not very clever’, that will impact their behaviour in many situations. They may avoid speaking up in meetings, consult other people before making decisions, feel intimidated by people who appear intelligent and even shy away from opportunities for promotion. This is obviously a limiting belief.

What may be less obvious is all beliefs are limiting.

We create our own limiting beliefs as part of our natural process of making sense of the world. Beliefs begin as a decision about the way the world works or our own place in it. Inevitably, many of these decisions are made in our accurately labelled ‘formative years’.

We also continue to acquire beliefs as we progress through life.  It’s called learning from experience.

Suppose you buy a second-hand car from the dealer up the road from you. I’m going to imagine it’s a Ford Focus (with apologies to all concerned). To begin with you like the car but then it starts to develop faults and more faults. It ends up costing you more in repairs than you paid to begin with.

What do you learn from this experience?  Here are few possibilities:

• Never buy another car from that dealer
• Never buy another second-hand car
• Never buy another Ford Focus
• Never buy another Ford
• Never buy another American car
• Never buy another car – switch to a bike instead
• Never trust anything mechanical (Or as a friend of mine says, ‘If it’s got tyres or testicles it’s trouble’)

Or do you take a different view?

• Never buy another car without investigating it thoroughly
• Consult your petrol-head brother before you buy again
• Always get your car on a lease arrangement
• Get a job that provides a company car

Or perhaps…

• I was just unlucky.  These things happen occasionally.

Or even…

• I was just unlucky.  I’m always unlucky. (Ouch!)

 

So, which one becomes your new view of the world in the light of this experience? Oddly enough, it depends on your existing view of the world.

For example, if you already believe that most second-hand car dealers are not to be trusted, this experience will simply reinforce that point of view.

If you believe there is no difference between one car and another of the same model, you may end up boycotting that particular model or marque. It depends on the extent to which you generalise – which is a metaprogramme preference.

Notice that the first list of possible decisions revolve around a perception of, ‘you can’t trust a ________.’  These kinds of ‘learning insights’ are all expressions of a passive point of view. In NLP terms they’re ‘at effect’ rather than ‘at cause’.

If a person is ‘at cause’ they will make decisions that reflect their own part in the experience. If I’d done this differently, I‘d have got a different result – hence the decision may be about adopting a different process for choosing a second-hand car or bringing in someone more knowledgeable.

The final two possible decisions I listed avoid making any generalisation and reduce the incident to a one-off. The first, the ‘shit happens’ perspective assumes that it will probably never happen again.

The second, by contrast, is particularly powerful because it is an identity-level statement. This may be a one-off in relation to a second-hand car, but this decision focuses on the self and makes sense of this incident as part of a long history of other occasions when they have been unlucky. Can you see how this kind of belief becomes self-perpetuating? If you believe you’re unlucky, you’ll notice every tiny incident that could be an example of your bad luck. Without that belief you’d probably not even notice them.

Beliefs breed beliefs. So it’s not surprising that for many people, the turning point in a coaching programme is the point at which they’re able to leave behind some old, limiting beliefs and go forward with a different point of view.

It also explains why new ideas that appeal to you can sometimes be hard to bring to life. We sometimes see this on the NLP Practitioner programme. If someone has long-held beliefs that they are unlucky or stupid or undeserving, those beliefs will be challenged by learning NLP techniques that offer the opportunity to move forward and gain greater choice in life.

Sometimes the way this is rationalised is along the lines of, ‘I can see it works for other people, it just doesn’t work for me’ or ‘It will only work for me if I put in lots of effort and struggle really hard’.

I’m always on the lookout for this kind of thing so we can avoid it taking hold and make sure everyone forms a constructive and useful point of view about what they are learning.

Ultimately, we have choice about we believe to be true.  Especially when we use NLP!

Since I’ve been spending most of my time at home of late, and as I live alone, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head. It’s inevitable when you’re alone, that attention tends to be internal. In the absence of someone to talk to, most of us talk to ourselves.

That’s ok. It’s also beneficial to spend time in the privacy and solitude of your own mind if you spend most of your time with other people. The time to ‘digest’ our experiences helps with long term memory and enables us to learn.

But how much alone time is too much?

I figured I was spending too much time in my own head when I notched up the following demonstrations of absent-mindedness in the space of a few weeks:

I completely forgot about a telephone call I had planned with a colleague. It was in my diary but I hadn’t looked at my diary. Embarrassing!

I woke up one morning to discover I had slept in my contact lenses. Messy!

I was bagging up food to go in the freezer and realised I had no idea of the date. No idea. Scary!

Now, before you conclude that I’ve entered the early stages of dementia, just ask yourself if you’ve done more of this kind of thing of late too. I’ve asked a few people and the answer has always been yes.

It’s because a lot of us are spending too much time in our own heads. We have a reduced connection to the here-and-now and reduced awareness of the passing of time.

The antidote?

Get out of your mind and come to your senses! (That’s built on a quote from Fritz Perls – ‘lose your mind and come to your senses’)

You can ‘come to your senses’ via any activity that requires you to engage with the external world. Go for a walk and pay attention to what you see and hear. Get in the kitchen and start cooking or baking, pay attention to the recipe, to the ingredients, to the taste. Talk to another person. If you can’t do it ‘in person’ then the phone is ok, but give your full attention to what the other person is saying. Avoid doing other tasks as you chat.

You get the idea? Paying attention to what you can see, hear, feel, taste or smell brings you out of the conceptual world in your mind and grounds you in the here and now. Notice the date and time while you’re here…

Feel free to post in the comments with your own indicators that you’ve been in your head too much.