[Written by Neil Harris, Associate Partner at Brilliant Minds]  Recently there was lots of media attention on whether or not Lord Rennard should, or indeed needs to, apologise. It got me thinking about saying sorry.

First of all let me apologise in advance to anyone for whom I have incorrectly presupposed prior knowledge of NLP. That said….

NLP has spent a lot of its existence identifying the structure of all manner of skills. When it comes to saying sorry, as with all areas of human endeavour; there are people who are good at it, others who are not and the full range of shades in between.

Now I am not about to provide a definitive description of how to say sorry exquisitely, but there are NLP factors that I believe are key. Two elements in particular have been going through my mind.

The first is neuro-logical levels. Robert Dilts, who invented them was one of the trainers on my Advanced Diploma in NLP back in 1988 (this was the pre-cursor to what has now become called Master Practitioner in the UK). As part of introducing what he had created, he gave examples of how congruity includes an alignment of those levels and/or a lack of conflict between them.

So, if you are considering whether or not to say sorry about something, you might first answer the following questions. Where, when and to whom might it be a good idea to apologise? What is it that I am apologising for? How would the apology best be given? Why is it important or necessary to apologise? Who exactly is it that is apologising? In deciding your answer to those questions, how can you formulate it so as to be congruent and unambiguous in your expressing it?

The second element is related to Roger Bailey’s creation, made more widely known and available by Shelle Rose Charvet, called LAB Profiling. LAB Profile includes a distinction about being motivated by either internally determined factors/considerations or external ones. So someone who is internally referenced will need to determine their own personal reasons for apologising, whereas someone who is externally referenced will apologise because ‘out there’ requires it.

When I was a coach on one of Shelle’s LAB Profile trainers’ trainings in Canada a few years ago, we identified a set of behaviours associated with being both internally and externally referenced at the same time, but at different levels.

What happens when someone is internally referenced at a behaviour level (ie only I will/can be the judge of whether to apologise and if so what is the right way to do it) and, at the same time, externally referenced at an identity level (ie regardless of whether or not I apologise and how I do it, I need others to tell me that I am OK as a person in order to feel good about myself)? Well there are lots of things that can be done, but then that’s another story.

Sorry if you were expecting something more definitive!

Earlier this year a friend was telling me how unhappy she was in her job. She didn’t like her boss and was feeling trapped. She said “I’ve looked around and there are no other jobs in the area with the same salary. I’ve got a mortgage and two children at school – I need the income. So I have no choice but to put up with it.”

On the surface it did look like she was a bit stuck and that can be a depressing thought. We talked about it and I asked her about other alternatives if she was prepared to make some major changes – however unattractive those options might be. After the conversation she still wasn’t particularly happy about her job but she was feeling much more positive about the future and the choices she was making at the time.

We know from NLP that usually when a person is unhappy their values are being violated or not being fulfilled. The conversation enabled her to notice important values in her life which were being fulfilled because of her choice to stay in the job – for example the area she was living in and her children’s education. It also enabled her to put all of this into the context of a bigger picture – it gave her a more ‘balanced’ perspective. In NLP terms it put her at the ‘cause’ end of the ‘cause – effect’ equation. She also recognised that this was just her choice at that particular moment in time and she became more open to the possibility that the situation could improve.

Recognising that you always have choice, in any situation, and that you are selecting the outcome you most prefer, in that moment, can be really empowering – even if you might wish there were some other options.

I saw my friend again recently and it turned out that her boss has left the company and moved to the Midlands. She gets on very well with her new boss and she is really enjoying her job again. Although she couldn’t have predicted that her boss would leave, just having that different mindset enabled her to feel more in charge of the situation.

 

With thanks to this week's guest writer, Brilliant Minds Associate Partner, Peter Jefford

My role as a trainer and a coach often brings me into contact with people who have a strong urge and need to be “in control”.  For many this doesn’t just mean being in control of their own actions and feelings but also those of the other people around them; their teams, other colleagues, partner at home, the kids. “If I don’t keep on top of things, they’ll never get done!” “It’s quicker to do it myself!”…

It can be looked upon as being a sign of strength; it’s a means of keeping chaos at arms’ length but all too often other people see it as a sign of aggression, a desire to dominate or a sign of a superiority complex.

And what really drives it? Is it about strength or is it sometimes driven by fear and anxiety that unless we take things in hand ourselves, everything will end in disaster?

If we step back and look at it, what can we really control? It’s not possible to control everything all of the time – life’s too complicated, random and interesting to fit in with our plans to the letter and most of us wouldn’t have it any other way. Travel’s becoming increasingly unpredictable (although we can often predict that there’ll be unforeseen problems!) and human beings don’t fall into neat little boxes and schedules.

Those of you familiar with Dr Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People will now be thinking about the circles of concern, influence and control. There’s a whole load of stuff going on out there that we might be concerned about – as I write this, I’m fairly sure that rioting and looting is going on within quite a small radius of my London hotel – but do I have control over the perpetrators? No. Can I influence them? Not directly. So exerting a load of energy and spending time worrying about it really doesn’t help the situation. In terms of control, Covey says (and, I have to say, I agree with him) that the only human being we can control is ourselves. Of course, we can often influence others’ behaviour through our own behaviour or by letting them know how we feel but ultimately the choice to change is theirs to make.

When the controlling person fails to make others do what they want, they are often left feeling stressed, anxious, helpless or angry. So why not let go and see what happens?

Some people fear that if they’re not in control they might face an undesirable or unexpected outcome and they lack faith in their own ability to handle that situation and bounce back from whatever life throws at them.

The upside might be less stress, lower blood pressure, more collaborative relationships both at home and at work. Controlling managers who make the decision to let go might just find that team members start to show more initiative, feel more motivated and the boost on confidence means they’ll rely less heavily on the boss, freeing up his or her time to focus on other things. Having more fun, maybe?  Doing things on the spur of the moment?

If you feel that letting go might be just what you need, then try these steps:

1. Choose to share some responsibility. Ask yourself what benefits it might bring. Consider why it’s so important that you’re always the one in charge. Trust people – take a leap of faith. Remember to provide guidance and support as necessary – without it, you may be setting someone up to fail.
2. Agree standards. Allow the other person to define what’s acceptable – they may surprise you with how high their standards really are!
3. Relax. Take time for yourself and enjoy life. If you carry too much tension around, you’ll just make other people anxious and dampen other people’s joy.
4. Get some spontaneity into your life – have an adventure and don’t worry when things don’t go according to plan.
5. Step back and take the broader view. Comparing yourself to others less fortunate than yourself can put a lot of things into perspective.

Go on – take a risk.  Let go of control.

 

With thanks to this week's guest writer, Brilliant Minds Associate Partner, Debbie Stone

 

In the past few weeks I’ve had several conversations with Senior Managers and Directors in different businesses, grumbling about the cuts to their companies’ travel budgets.

It’s no secret that most large organisations spend a huge amount of money getting their Executives from one site to another and when belts are being tightened the travel budget is an obvious target.

One approach is to stop people travelling and encourage the use of video-conferencing and other technology instead.

Another option is to reduce the class of service used.

One Executive told me, “Our company policy now states that unless a flight is more than 8 hours, we travel Economy class. It’s not a good experience.”

I can already hear the chorus of disapproval about over-indulged Executives flying around the world in Business or First Class, lapping up free champagne, watching movies and being pampered by glamorous flight attendants.

Why SHOULDN’T they travel Economy like everyone else?

Well, the reality of business travel is not often as glamorous as people think, is it? Apart from the usual hassle of check-in and security, often there’s work to be done en route, meetings to attend straight from the airport, a backlog of email and voicemail once you’ve landed AND the continual pressure of providing leadership in the business from wherever you happen to be today.

I can’t help thinking that putting Senior Executives in economy travel is a false economy. These are rarely people so youthful that a missed night’s sleep isn’t an issue. They’re often people who carry massive responsibility and influence. They’re not people who you want to be grumpy when there’s work to do.

When a Senior Executive is told, “You can’t travel in Business Class”, the message they hear is, “We don’t care that you’ll be uncomfortable. We don’t care that you won’t be able to work en route. We don’t care if you have to put up with squawking toddlers and no legroom. You’re not worth it.”

With that in mind, let’s reconsider the reason that Executive is travelling:

To provide leadership or technical expertise to people who work for the organisation in another country?  To negotiate with important customers or suppliers? To solve problems or to break new ground?

And what signal is it giving to those employees, suppliers or customers when you send them someone who isn’t important enough to travel in Business Class? What signal does it send to them when a tired, grumpy, stiff and aching Executive arrives?

So now it’s not just the traveller who feels under-valued, it the people they’re visiting as well.

And yes, I know that most experienced business travellers are used to putting on a professional face and doing a great job even if they’re horribly jet-lagged, worried about something going on back at base or waiting for their luggage to turn up.

It’s just, how long would you keep doing that if you thought the company didn’t care about you?

Every decision that is made in an organisation has consequences. The biggest consequence is the meaning that people make of the decisions that are made. Every decision sends out signals about the organisation's values and principles.

Worth thinking about?